Book 5, Chapter 4 - Slowly Accept It

I knew that I wouldn’t be able to make sense of it for the rest of my life, but I would slowly accept this reality. There were many things in life that you didn’t need to make sense of, you only had to accept it. 

I was living at the end of the world right now. What right did an outsider like me have to pass any judgment?

I didn’t leave the painting room. Paintbrush in hand, I madly painted on the drawing board. I painted darkness onto the drawing board, just like this dark world I was in.

What is humanity?

What is life?

Does everything become meaningless at the end of the world?

“Lil Bing, time for dinner,” Raffles said softly from outside the door.

I ignored Raffles and continued painting. Since I had been painting for the artists in Valley Dust Ruin for so long, my painting skills had improved as well.

However, I was merely painting a world of darkness. It didn’t require any painting skills, only a sufficient amount of black paint.

I spread the black paint all over. The world of darkness looked so distorted.

“Lil Bing, dinner,” Raffles said softly through the door.

“Go and do your experiment! I will think this through,” I said glumly. I knew that I just didn’t want to see Raffles. I just couldn’t accept right away that Raffles was busy making lives and killing them all the time. Did he feel God’s supremacy when he was doing that?

God created lives.

Those scientists created lives too.

However, when God created lives, He added things that they didn’t. He added love.

Hence, life would only be created when man and woman fell in love and became one.

However, now life could be created just using gene liquid in Raffles’ test tubes.

I seemed to have finally seen the truth under the luxuriant appearance of Silver Moon City. It was just like the distorted world of darkness that I’d painted, cold and merciless.

Raffles didn’t go back to his experiments but instead stayed outside my room over the following days.

When I saw the girls in Silver Moon City, and the guys who’d recovered from their injury preparing to return to the war, I felt something missing in my heart.

Most of the time, my mind went blank whenever I looked at them.

Were they born here?

Or were they cultivated too?

They are merely a product of the robotic arm piercing and injecting a male cell into a female cell, which combined and had its growth accelerated.

Are they human then?

I stood at the field as I sent the young men off. After they died, would Silver Moon City clone them again?

In a month’s time, they would be standing in front of me again.

Slowly, I accepted reality. Or rather, instead of saying I accepted it, I should say that I ignored and forgot about it. Once I returned to my room, Raffles quickly came before me. He stared at me worriedly and anxiously. Yet just like before, he panicked and didn’t dare to speak to me. He didn’t even dare to look at me.

“I’m fine now,” I said spiritlessly. “I want to go to bed.” I lay on my bed. The past few days had been rather exhausting. It was worse than going out to war. It turned out that making myself accept something that I thought was wrong could be so torturous and exhausting.

I was sad. I was so sad that I felt like crying.

However, part of myself also questioned what there was to be sad about. Those people were only a bunch of cells. They were no difference from a robot.

I felt like I was splitting apart. I felt myself struggling at the bottom line of my moral beliefs.

Raffles lay down too. He looked gaunt.

“Lil Bing, I never thought that what I did would make you feel so disappointed. I won’t do it anymore,” he said without looking at me. “I know I’ve done wrong.”

“What did you do wrong?” I sounded like I was asking myself. “This is the end of the world. The survival of the fittest. If those who were eaten by a beast, eaten by Day Monsters, eaten by the Ghost Eclipsers at the end of the world had been given a choice, they’d think you are right. Might as well not let them live in this kind of world.”

“Lil Bing, don’t speak like that!” Raffles became anxious. He pounced to the side of my bed and held my hand. “Please don’t talk like this.” Raffles choked with tears. “You can’t become like us. You can’t. It’s my fault. It’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have come to Silver Moon City. I shouldn’t have done those experiments. I couldn’t fight the temptation. It was me…”

“Raffles.” I looked at the ceiling blankly. I tried hard not to think about it. Because then I wouldn’t have to struggle. Nor would I feel tortured, as long as I didn’t think about it. That would only make Raffles feel worse. “Go to bed. I am fine now.”

Turning, I pulled my hand away from his. He became quiet behind me. He didn’t leave nor did he get onto my bed. He had been sleeping on the day bed, my original bed.

Then, I heard a familiar scribbling sound and Raffles’ mumbling. He spoke very softly and vaguely. Gradually, I fell asleep to the sounds of his scribbling and his soft muttering.

When I realized that I’d accepted the experiments and this reality, I felt much better. My agony had derived from the collision of moral beliefs between two worlds.

Now, I knew that I had assimilated. In order to not endure the pain of moral trials, I had accepted partial assimilation.

Standing in Xing Chuan’s room, I could see the daily war situation. Harry was about to attack another city of the Ghost Eclipsers. He’d advanced really quickly too.

Unknowingly, two months of war had already passed. I really missed Harry.

Some soft noises came from the training room. Glancing over, I saw a silky long robe that looked like moonlight. This style of clothing… it could only belong to Cang Yu.

He took a step forward and entered my sight. Brows furrowed, he looked at the dark painting. It was rare that he wasn’t smiling. He suddenly spoke as he picked up my painting. “Luo Bing, you do not look like someone living in this era.”

My heart clenched as I quietly watched him. “Of course I am a person living in this era.”

“No, you don’t seem like one.” Still studying the painting, he shook his head. He furrowed his eyebrows and commented, “From a psychological standpoint, this painting of yours shows that you went through pain and struggle. You have strong opinions towards humanitarianism, and are staunch in your moral beliefs. All this…” he turned to look at me, “...has disappeared in this era.”

Stunned, I felt guilty and anxious as though he’d seen through me. His gaze was like an eagle eye that you couldn’t hide from. 

“Your moral beliefs should belong to someone from sixty years ago or even earlier. However, that is impossible.” Cang Yu sort of denied his own speculation. Secretly I let out a breath in relief. “So, I am guessing that you might have been living with people who maintained such living standards before you lost your memory.”

“Maybe. I’ve already lost my memory.” Memory loss was my best excuse right now. 

Heh.” Cang Yu chuckled lightly, the sound carrying his comprehensive understanding of how time had brought drastic change to the world.

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