Chapter 187

Suyeon opened her eyes slowly, having been woken up by the sunlight hitting her eyes. The rays shined through the window in the terrace. She got up as she wiped her eyes, only then did she realize she was on a sofa.

“What the.”

She remembered drinking soju with Geunsoo last night. She was planning on drinking until he got drunk, but it looks like she fell asleep first. Looking around, she could see a well-organized set of bottles next to the trash can. Geunsoo must’ve cleaned everything up first.

“Hah. He’s just so difficult to deal with.”

Alcohol often makes a person’s mind soft and malleable, Suyeon has never seen a man who could push a woman away in that state until now. Of course, she didn’t actually want to approach Geunsoo like that. She only wanted a closer relationship with him. Maybe even marriage, if they fit together well enough. He has become more and more appealing the longer she talked to him.

“Dating, huh.”

Suyeon hugged her legs with a smile, she gave up on normal romance in her first year of college. She went into the school of arts with many dreams, she fell in love with a passionate senior and Suyeon thought their love would last forever.

Her first time at the hotel was very painful, but the man was happy and that in turn made her happy. After that day, their dates became a symbol of sex. Every time the two of them met up, they had sex. Suyeon wanted to make different memories with the man of course, but he only wanted sex. Having believed sex was just a way of expressing one’s love for someone, Suyeon followed him. Eventually, they started meeting less and less. Whenever they did, sex was all they did together.

Even then, she believed what they had was love. After another half year of this, he broke up with her. Through text, he told her that they seemed to have gotten sick of each other so it would be best that they don’t meet again.

Suyeon didn’t believe depression was a real thing before then, she actually looked down on people who said they had depression. Adults who couldn’t even control their own emotions? What a joke, she thought. But the day she got the text, she just sat there on her bed staring emptily into the air all day. That’s when she realized, so this is how people die.

She went to the school again to try to recover a little bit. Thankfully, she didn’t see the senior. He apparently took a break from school, she decided to spend her time trying to recover from her initial shock.

That was when one of her good friends asked her out on a date, he was very careful about it and also shy. He stuttered three times over asking her out to watch a movie with him, he didn’t seem anything like the senior from the past. He looked like a young boy who was stepping into unknown territory for the first time in his life, Suyeon felt love again looking at his face.

Her second relationship wasn’t as fast as her first one, it was slow and soft. Unlike the senior, her friend had a difficult time even trying to grab her hand. Suyeon was relieved, so not everyone was like the senior. After a month, Suyeon took the initiative to grab hold of his hand first. They were moving very slowly, it took her just a single month until she had sex with the senior, it took a month between her and her friend to hold hands. Suyeon remembered squeezing his hand hard because his shocked expression was absolutely adorable.

She felt love sprouting inside of her again, light shone through the darkness in her heart. Energy returned to her life and she started enjoying the time she spent with him. During winter break of her first year, she went on a trip with him. They went to see the winter sea where they walked the empty beach together, that’s when she realized that they would have sex for the first time. She was right, there was a single booked room. Despite this, she felt comfortable. She knew she wouldn’t get thrown away. So they spent their first night together. And what greeted her was… a disappointed smile.

- This isn’t your first time?

Suddenly, her friend looked at her like a dirty used toy. After that, he had very rough sex with her. Suyeon had to suppress a scream, she felt all sorts of disgusting, horrible emotions welling up inside of her. Her friend collapsed on top of her after tiring himself out.

- So, was it good, huh? How was mine in comparison?

That’s when she realized, this boy wasn’t nervous out of consideration for her, he was just lacking confidence. He got on top of her again at dawn, he kept asking her if she was satisfied. Suyeon remembered just staring at the ceiling dumbly all the way till the morning. She snapped out of it at the sound of his snoring and made her way back to Seoul. She got a call, she ignored it. Time passed and she became a second year.

The first thing she heard when she came back to school was, “Kim Suyeon is a prostitute”. It wasn’t very hard to find the source of that rumor, it was that friend. He very proudly told his friends that he ‘screwed that bitch’ like some sort of a war hero, that’s when Suyeon became afraid to go to school. At the same time, several men approached her asking her if she was alright. Men who never even talked to her in the past, they looked very intently at her breasts and legs.

There were some people who were truly worried, yet they didn’t help. It felt like her emotions had completely disappeared out of her, it felt like she was turning into a doll that could only breathe. When she was almost drowning in despair, she ran across that senior again. He greeted her with a bright ‘hello’, there was a woman she didn’t know standing next to him. That greeting hit Suyeon in the head with a bang. She finally realized something. Her purple, beat-up heart became colored in bright blue, her vision cleared and her breathing came back to her.

She ran forward and gave the senior a kiss on his lips. The girl standing next to him screamed and he started frantically trying to explain. Suyeon grinned looking at the two. So that was what it was. So this was what all relationships were like, it was just a game. The one who wants it loses, the one who craves it loses. You can’t let the other side be satisfied, you always need to make it so that they crave you enough to come back.

After that day, Suyeon became free. She formed relationships without thinking about anything else. By giving other people the satisfaction of love, she took back material goods for herself, a win-win relationship for everyone. After all, all men wanted was ‘love’ in the form of sex.

There was a man during this time who told her that she shouldn’t live this way, that she should think more about herself. Suyeon almost fell for it. Maybe she could try entrusting herself to him? The result was a disappointment, they became awkward after sex. She didn’t get any response back from him no matter how many words of love she whispered into his ears. As they ended the relationship, the man told her this. He was sick of it, Suyeon could only laugh. Didn’t he start this knowing that would happen? What happened to the person who was so sure that he could take care of her? Or perhaps… she was the one who ruined everything? She caused the relationship to break down? She was the bitch in the relationship?

Ah well, she didn’t feel anything particular upon that realization. Her heart had too many scars on it for any further feelings of pain, it was for the best. These scars would serve as armor that would protect her. After that point, she became a lot more reserved in using her body. She lived like a nun, two semesters’ worth of breaks was enough to get rid of rumors about her. Suyeon became a gentle lady, she could be as perverted as anyone out there, but she kept that side of her under wraps.

She loved again when the rumors died down completely. Love without love, she realized that giving her body to the other side was the last resort. Even when the man was desperate for sex, she didn’t give it. Sex was her ultimate weapon, but it was also a double-edged blade. Once she used it, she would only be seen as used goods. So she only did it when it really counted, enough for her to ensnare a man’s soul. By the time she graduated from college, she became a well-established actress thanks to it. She even debuted in a drama.

A result of perfectly making use of hard work and relationships.

“Men are all the same.”

She extended her legs out of the sofa with a low grumble. Right then, her feet stepped on something squishy, she raised her legs back up in shock and looked down.

“Sorry, but I don’t have a fetish for being stepped on.”

It was Geunsoo. He was rolled in a blanket like a caterpillar.

“W-why are you...”

“I was sleeping.”

Geunsoo stood up and started folding his blanket. Suyeon usually kept her calm through most things, but right now she could only stare dumbly.

“You should fold your blanket as well, now that you’re up.”

Geunsoo stepped up to the second floor with a yawn. At the same time, the author came back down on the stairs. The author looked at her with an annoyed look before stepping into the kitchen, he walked out with some cereal and stared at her again.


“Do you really have no idea? You should learn to take care of yourself at this age.”

He was right so she couldn’t even say anything in retort, Suyeon grit her teeth as she folded her blanket.


“If you’re done, you should go apologize to Geunsoo.”


“You don’t remember? It got very cold here, so I tried to wake you up with Geunsoo. You just wouldn’t move. So Geunsoo tried to get you up himself. That’s when you woke up and slapped him on the face. You swore at him telling him not to touch you. And then you stuck yourself in that corner of the kitchen. Don’t tell me you don’t remember this either?”


“Geunsoo got hit all over the place as he tried to put you back on the sofa.”

The author clicked his tongue.

“If you aren’t a child, learn to take care of yourself. It’s none of my business what happened to you in the past. Just don’t hurt others using it as an excuse. It’s incredibly annoying to have to deal with it.”

Suyeon stepped up the stairs after giving the man a glare. On her way up though, she apologized to him. Once she got up, she saw Geunsoo come out of his room. She noticed a long cut on his cheek. She looked down at her hands. One of her fingers had a bit of manicure missing.

“Um, I’m sorry. I heard I hurt you last night.”

“This? It hurts a bit but it’s not anything important. It doesn’t look like it’ll scar anyway.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Well, if you are, could you prepare some lunch? We’re going to need food for Senior Moonjoong and Maru when they come back.”

Suyeon looked down at her wristwatch. It was 11am. Geunsoo passed by her with a nonchalant expression.

“Um, if you ever need anything from me, please feel free to ask. I feel like I owe you something.”


Geunsoo came to a stop on the way down.

“Oh, that reminds me.”

He looked up to her.

“Did you ever sob loudly?”

The question came out of nowhere. Suyeon subconsciously shook her head, she never cried. She was always too tired to do so when she got betrayed. Later on, she just didn’t have a reason to cry at all.

“Well, I’ll give you a list of sad movies later on. You should take your time crying from watching them.”

Geunsoo made his way back down with a grin. That’s when she remembered, she was stuck in the corner last night shaking quietly by herself. She must’ve looked pitiful.

“Does crying solve anything? It’d just make me look more pitiful.”

She spat those words out without even thinking about it, Geunsoo responded to the question quickly.

“You wouldn’t just be pitiful if you forgot how to cry. Well, I think you’ll figure it out regardless.”

Geunsoo ended the conversation with just that. Suyeon felt her eyelids trembling, it’s been a while since she received sympathy from a man. It made her oddly excited, she was reminded of her past self for a second.

“Can you watch one with me then?”

“Don’t want to.”

“Why not?”

“A girl with a pretty smile called Miso told me that crying women are invincible. That’s why I try to stay as far as I can from crying women.”

With that, Geunsoo disappeared from her vision. Suyeon stepped down the stairs herself feeling oddly competitive. She didn’t feel bad though, for some reason.

“Did Teacher and Maru go out?”

“At dawn, yes. Around six?”


Geunsoo turned to look at the front door upon hearing the question.

“Somewhere a little spine-chilling.”

* * *

Knock knock knock.

Maru opened his eyes. The door opened ever so slightly and Moonjoong entered the room.

“It’s about time we head out. Would that be alright with you?”

Maru checked the time with his phone. It was 5:50am.

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